How to not suck at shopping

As you may or may not know, I work in retail.

Most of the time, I actually really like my job. I like that I get to deal with new assholes everyday rather than being stuck in an office with the same assholes. I like the majority of my co-workers the majority of the time. I like being able to help little old ladies find gifts for their grandchildren. I even like having aches and pains all the time, because at least I know I worked hard enough to earn them. However, there are a few things that I just need everyone to agree to stop doing, so that I can continue to like my job.

Proof of me liking my job.

Proof of me liking my job.

1. Leaving shit in places where it doesn’t belong. It may not seem like a big deal to you when you pick something up and then walk around the store with it, only to set it down far, far away from where you found it. However, do you realize how many people do that? And do you realize that I am the one that has to clean up your stupid mess? I know you do that shit at Walmart, but my store doesn’t pay our workers in spare change and child tears. We can only afford to have like 4 people at any given time to keep up with your mess. Your bad manners prevent me from doing the actually important parts of my job.

2. On a related note, I need people to stop thinking they can just open packaging whenever they want. Boxes have seals on them for a reason. I can’t sell most things after you break it. Plus, pretty much anything you could need to see in order to make a purchase is already on display. There is no reason to open up a package of paper to see if you want to buy it. It is paper. I know you are familiar with it. Pick the color you want and for the love of god, move on.

3. Acting like I am in some kind of conspiracy to make your life as horrible as possible. If I suggest that you buy something, it is because I think you need it, not because I just want you to buy more useless crap. I don’t even work on commission. Pretty much every business ever tries to provide good customer service, otherwise no one would ever go there, and they would have to close.

4. Please remember that I am a person too. Most people I encounter are either very sweet, or at the very least, civil. There are small number of people though, that are just terrible. I cannot imagine treating another human the way that some of these people treat me. The only explanation I can come up with is that they are forgetting that I am a person. In their mind, I have become the figurehead for the evil corporation they seem to think I work for. It is really uncalled for, and one customer like this can put a damper on my whole day.

Those are the big ones. There are other things that annoy me, but I didn’t include them because they are just a part of my job. I do become  irritated when someone standing in front of an ENTIRE WALL full of ink asks me where the ink is, but I figure stupid questions just come with the territory, and I know I’ve asked some dumb questions too.

If everyone could just quit doing the things I mentioned, I’m pretty sure that the rate of neck stabbings would drop considerably.

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I can’t be the only one bothered by this.

“Glitter is the herpes of the craft world!”

How many people have you heard say that? I have to have heard it upwards of 100 times, and every single time, it makes me angry, and my brain starts screaming, “YOU DID NOT COME UP WITH THAT.” Demetri Martin did. He is the funny one.

I’ve recently realized that one of my very biggest pet peeves is people trying to pass off jokes made by stand-up comedians as their own. Demetri Martin and Mitch Hedbuerg seem to be particularly susceptible to this, likely because many of their jokes are one liners that require no set-up.

The only time I think anyone should be quoting comedians without immediately giving them credit is if they are speaking to people who they know are familiar with the comedian and the joke. Otherwise, I’m pretty sure this is the same thing as plagiarism.

I can’t handle the smug look people get on their face right before they repeat one of these things, as if they think they are the most clever person in the world. “Look at me being witty, and pulling the wool over this person’s eyes,” they think. “They’ll think I’m such an original.” Except that they all repeat the same four jokes.

I don’t understand how these people don’t realize that the comedian that they are watching is famous, and that, in all likelihood, many people have also seen them perform. There is some kind of disconnect going on there that I don’t comprehend.

Anyway.

I just want it to stop. Just stop it.

Clever little cat!