If you want to know how I really feel…

It makes me feel like a pretentious douche-rocket, but when people who have a headache say, “I have such a terrible migraine!” I want to hit them over the head with the nearest heavy object.

Headaches suck, I totally sympathize, but saying you have a migraine when you have a headache is equivalent to saying you’re a┬áparaplegic when you get a paper cut.

For me, a migraine feels like my head is being squeezed in a vice as part of a strongman competition while a team of small leprechauns play whack-mole-on my temples. Then, I discover a disagreeable badger has made my stomach his home, and he thrashes about wildly anytime I even think about food, even water. Also, someone has misplaced their pet hippo on my shoulders, based on the ache-y tight feeling there, and of course, I can’t see any of this, because it seems I am looking at the world through a piece of Swiss cheese.

Something like this...

Something like this…

To top it all off, this happens every time it gets windy.

So, I am very sorry, but until your headache makes you vomit and GO BLIND, it is not a migraine.

I’m not sure why it seems to be cool these days to exaggerate illness, but let’s just all calm down with that shit. If you’re coughing and have a running nose, you do not have the flu. You have the flu if it feels like someone attacked you with a block of ice while you were sleeping, and then left that block of ice in bed with you, and now you are freezing, except for some reason your head just also burst into flames and you aren’t sure whether to try and warm up or cool down, and the idea of moving at all makes you wish the ice attacker had just finished you off after all.

Now, go take a painkiller and have bit of a nap for that headache. I hope you feel better.