I mean, at least I wasn’t kidnapped…

I was going to write a post today about my vacation, and I’ll get to that eventually, but then I stumbled across something on the internet that mentioned Boolean operators, and it triggered a memory that I decided I wanted to write about. It’s all a little fuzzy, because it was so long ago, but I remember all the alarming parts.

When I was about 12 or 13, my friend Alex and I were going for a walk in her neighborhood. She lived in a kind of sketchy part of town, and it wasn’t out of place to see chickens and goats in people’s yards in that area. Alex is a HUGE animal lover, and so we saw a dog hanging out by the fence, and she went over to pet it. The dog was ginormous but very friendly, and we spent a good amount of time palling around with it.

Out of nowhere, this wild-eyed mountain man comes crashing out of his house to check on his dog, since he could hear us talking to her. We apologized and he was kind about it, and we were going to be on our merry way, when he decided to tell us his life story.

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Like this, but beardier.

He told us all about how he was a product of incest, so he had a dad-uncle and a mom-aunt, and that he was deaf in one ear because his dad used to make him shoot guns without any kind of earplugs and he also seemed to think his father was a moonshine smuggler. Alex was being very polite at this point, but I couldn’t do anything but stare in wide eyed horror.

Then, the Boolean algebra came in. You see, it turns out, this man thought he invented it. I think he tried to explain it to me, but I was a baby and I’ve always been bad at math, and it is possible that he was explaining the mathematical equivalent of Calvinball to me anyway. He then claimed that there was a supercomputer that he should be getting credit for, but somebody stole his idea, which is how he came to live in a run down house in New Mexico, with a giant dog, and nothing to do but chat up preteen girls.

There are many many lessons in that story, but I think the main one is probably don’t have sex with your siblings, but if you do, maybe you’ll accidentally invent computers.

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This sums the whole thing up, really.

I can’t be the only one bothered by this.

“Glitter is the herpes of the craft world!”

How many people have you heard say that? I have to have heard it upwards of 100 times, and every single time, it makes me angry, and my brain starts screaming, “YOU DID NOT COME UP WITH THAT.” Demetri Martin did. He is the funny one.

I’ve recently realized that one of my very biggest pet peeves is people trying to pass off jokes made by stand-up comedians as their own. Demetri Martin and Mitch Hedbuerg seem to be particularly susceptible to this, likely because many of their jokes are one liners that require no set-up.

The only time I think anyone should be quoting comedians without immediately giving them credit is if they are speaking to people who they know are familiar with the comedian and the joke. Otherwise, I’m pretty sure this is the same thing as plagiarism.

I can’t handle the smug look people get on their face right before they repeat one of these things, as if they think they are the most clever person in the world. “Look at me being witty, and pulling the wool over this person’s eyes,” they think. “They’ll think I’m such an original.” Except that they all repeat the same four jokes.

I don’t understand how these people don’t realize that the comedian that they are watching is famous, and that, in all likelihood, many people have also seen them perform. There is some kind of disconnect going on there that I don’t comprehend.

Anyway.

I just want it to stop. Just stop it.

Clever little cat!