This is the worst day ever

For almost my whole life, one of my greatest ambitions has been to own a duck. For years now, I have been keeping an eye on efowl.com, hoping that they would lower their order minimum from two ducks down to one duck.

I logged in today to find out some heartbreaking news.  It turns out that the duck minimum is now four.

It’s probably for the best, since I’ll be moving away soon, but really FOUR ducks? Even on plain ol’ assorted ducks? I can never afford to have four ducks, and I don’t think there is a feed store or anything in Perth where I could purchase ducks locally.

My dreams are ruined.

Alas, this will never be.

 

UPDATE: It turns out I can have a duck in Perth! Expect that, they’re all diseased right now. Maybe later.

 

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How to not suck at shopping

As you may or may not know, I work in retail.

Most of the time, I actually really like my job. I like that I get to deal with new assholes everyday rather than being stuck in an office with the same assholes. I like the majority of my co-workers the majority of the time. I like being able to help little old ladies find gifts for their grandchildren. I even like having aches and pains all the time, because at least I know I worked hard enough to earn them. However, there are a few things that I just need everyone to agree to stop doing, so that I can continue to like my job.

Proof of me liking my job.

Proof of me liking my job.

1. Leaving shit in places where it doesn’t belong. It may not seem like a big deal to you when you pick something up and then walk around the store with it, only to set it down far, far away from where you found it. However, do you realize how many people do that? And do you realize that I am the one that has to clean up your stupid mess? I know you do that shit at Walmart, but my store doesn’t pay our workers in spare change and child tears. We can only afford to have like 4 people at any given time to keep up with your mess. Your bad manners prevent me from doing the actually important parts of my job.

2. On a related note, I need people to stop thinking they can just open packaging whenever they want. Boxes have seals on them for a reason. I can’t sell most things after you break it. Plus, pretty much anything you could need to see in order to make a purchase is already on display. There is no reason to open up a package of paper to see if you want to buy it. It is paper. I know you are familiar with it. Pick the color you want and for the love of god, move on.

3. Acting like I am in some kind of conspiracy to make your life as horrible as possible. If I suggest that you buy something, it is because I think you need it, not because I just want you to buy more useless crap. I don’t even work on commission. Pretty much every business ever tries to provide good customer service, otherwise no one would ever go there, and they would have to close.

4. Please remember that I am a person too. Most people I encounter are either very sweet, or at the very least, civil. There are small number of people though, that are just terrible. I cannot imagine treating another human the way that some of these people treat me. The only explanation I can come up with is that they are forgetting that I am a person. In their mind, I have become the figurehead for the evil corporation they seem to think I work for. It is really uncalled for, and one customer like this can put a damper on my whole day.

Those are the big ones. There are other things that annoy me, but I didn’t include them because they are just a part of my job. I do become  irritated when someone standing in front of an ENTIRE WALL full of ink asks me where the ink is, but I figure stupid questions just come with the territory, and I know I’ve asked some dumb questions too.

If everyone could just quit doing the things I mentioned, I’m pretty sure that the rate of neck stabbings would drop considerably.

I can’t be the only one bothered by this.

“Glitter is the herpes of the craft world!”

How many people have you heard say that? I have to have heard it upwards of 100 times, and every single time, it makes me angry, and my brain starts screaming, “YOU DID NOT COME UP WITH THAT.” Demetri Martin did. He is the funny one.

I’ve recently realized that one of my very biggest pet peeves is people trying to pass off jokes made by stand-up comedians as their own. Demetri Martin and Mitch Hedbuerg seem to be particularly susceptible to this, likely because many of their jokes are one liners that require no set-up.

The only time I think anyone should be quoting comedians without immediately giving them credit is if they are speaking to people who they know are familiar with the comedian and the joke. Otherwise, I’m pretty sure this is the same thing as plagiarism.

I can’t handle the smug look people get on their face right before they repeat one of these things, as if they think they are the most clever person in the world. “Look at me being witty, and pulling the wool over this person’s eyes,” they think. “They’ll think I’m such an original.” Except that they all repeat the same four jokes.

I don’t understand how these people don’t realize that the comedian that they are watching is famous, and that, in all likelihood, many people have also seen them perform. There is some kind of disconnect going on there that I don’t comprehend.

Anyway.

I just want it to stop. Just stop it.

Clever little cat!

All things must end

Today was the last day at my cash office job. In honor of that, I thought I’d share a few more photos of money I’ve found.

This time round, I really ignored the things like random numbers and names written on money. Luckily, I received quite a few actual messages.

How true.

I don’t even know. I will never understand why people write on money. This isn’t even a political statement or something, it’s just like one of those crappy fortunes you get from the cookies at Panda Express.

I also got two rather conflicting messages:

I find it hard to take either message seriously, for several reasons, not the least of which being that the author’s selected medium of communication was on a dollar bill. I also have a hard time taking the top one seriously because it doesn’t even really spell “god” unless you are counting the circle around the g. The writer probably thought that was clever. It wasn’t. The handwriting of the second one makes it hard, as well as the completely unnecessary aggression and multicolored markers.

There were a few bills that just made me happy:

Upon closer inspection, this seems to be part of the “Where’s George” thing, but I still got excited when I saw the rainbow colors. I now know what Charlie from Charlie and the Chocolate factory felt like.

This one didn’t make me happy, per se, but I was amused, certainly.

 

I got excited about this one, because I used to play with those round paint marker things ALL THE TIME as a kid. Lord knows how many flowers I made with them.

And, the one and only “Where’s George” bill I bothered to take a photo of, mostly because it looked like it had been damp at some point, so I was curious:

Unfortunately, there was no indication as to why it looked so blurry. All I know is that the original person had it in Colorado.

 

This is the end of an era, y’all.

Words that make me want to puke

I have noticed, particularly among people who read frequently, that there are always words that seem to skeeve a person out. Here are mine.

1. Moist. There are so many people who hate this word, and I get it. It’s gross. I think it has something to do with the vowel sound followed by the ‘st.’ The word SOUNDS moist.

2. Pulp. I hate how the word is half p’s. It sounds harsh and people often spit on accident when they try to say it.

3. Slacks. This is just a creepy words. Why not just say pants?

4. Panties. I hated this even as a kid. There are so many better words that can be used here. Underwear is my go-to. It especially bothers me when older men and big corporations use it. I’m looking at you, Victoria’s Secret.

5. Ointment. Actual ointment is a goopy, gross mess, and the name makes it even worse. It makes me think of Hexxus from Fern Gully.

Ewww.

6. Breasts. I mostly hate this word because it is impossible to say without either sounding like you have a lisp, or glossing over the “t” sound entirely.

7. Damp. I have no idea what the problem is here, but is makes me physically shudder.

8. Irregardless. I feel like this shouldn’t even be here because it isn’t a word. The fact that it has weaseled its way into so many other reasonable, well educated people’s vocabulary is what skeeves me out here.

9. Got. I hate even looking at this word. I proofread all my writing to make sure I use this word as infrequently as possible. In fact, I just did a search of my blog and there are no “gots” lying about.

10. Hunk. There is no use of this word I approve of. It’s really gross when used to describe a piece of food, and rather insulting when used to describe a person. I have a special hatred of the word “hunky” as well.

There you have it. What are yours?

 

 

This was the only time I didn’t have to go all day…

I had to pee in a cup today. A cup that came out of a drawer marked “big” cups. I’m not sure what they’re implying with the quotation marks, but the sign was definitely made in Word with WordArt.

Then I had to hand a cup of my pee to a strange woman I’ve never met, and she poured into a vial and flushed the toilet for me. It was all very personal for 9 AM.

I also had to initial the vial full of pee. I don’t understand why I couldn’t sign the label before it was full of urine, but those are the rules, apparently.

Anyway, I have a new job.

This is how you know you’ve made it

I recently was looking into what kinds of things people search to find my blog.

Holy shit, y’all.

I don’t know what’s going on out there, but I want to say thank you. I laughed and laughed at some of these.

Here’s all of them:

I mean, I can understand how each of these link to my blog. However, I can’t imagine the scenario in which some of these were ever searched. For example, “where is nipple.” Not even, “where is my nipple” or “where is her nipple” or even “where is my parakeet’s nipple.” I’m sorry to disappoint whoever thought I might teach them about nipples.

Also, “my face hasn’t developed yet.” Whoever you are, please seek help for that.

My very favorite is “girl with green goo on her face.” A google image search reveals this:

I feel pretty famous right about now.