If you want to know how I really feel…

It makes me feel like a pretentious douche-rocket, but when people who have a headache say, “I have such a terrible migraine!” I want to hit them over the head with the nearest heavy object.

Headaches suck, I totally sympathize, but saying you have a migraine when you have a headache is equivalent to saying you’re a paraplegic when you get a paper cut.

For me, a migraine feels like my head is being squeezed in a vice as part of a strongman competition while a team of small leprechauns play whack-mole-on my temples. Then, I discover a disagreeable badger has made my stomach his home, and he thrashes about wildly anytime I even think about food, even water. Also, someone has misplaced their pet hippo on my shoulders, based on the ache-y tight feeling there, and of course, I can’t see any of this, because it seems I am looking at the world through a piece of Swiss cheese.

Something like this...

Something like this…

To top it all off, this happens every time it gets windy.

So, I am very sorry, but until your headache makes you vomit and GO BLIND, it is not a migraine.

I’m not sure why it seems to be cool these days to exaggerate illness, but let’s just all calm down with that shit. If you’re coughing and have a running nose, you do not have the flu. You have the flu if it feels like someone attacked you with a block of ice while you were sleeping, and then left that block of ice in bed with you, and now you are freezing, except for some reason your head just also burst into flames and you aren’t sure whether to try and warm up or cool down, and the idea of moving at all makes you wish the ice attacker had just finished you off after all.

Now, go take a painkiller and have bit of a nap for that headache. I hope you feel better.

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Thanks again J.K. Rowling!

I wasn’t going to change my profile on picture to support marriage equality, because I’m not really sure how that would effect any legislation. HOWEVER, I got sick of seeing people that are my age posting hateful things about gay marriage, so I changed it to this:

I just cannot believe that we are still having to have this conversation, along with so many others.

I am more than happy for people to believe that God doesn’t support marriage equality. That is their right. However, that same right applies to everyone,  and religious convictions have very little to do with laws.

Maybe I am going to hell for thinking that, but that’s really my problem, isn’t it?

This is the worst day ever

For almost my whole life, one of my greatest ambitions has been to own a duck. For years now, I have been keeping an eye on efowl.com, hoping that they would lower their order minimum from two ducks down to one duck.

I logged in today to find out some heartbreaking news.  It turns out that the duck minimum is now four.

It’s probably for the best, since I’ll be moving away soon, but really FOUR ducks? Even on plain ol’ assorted ducks? I can never afford to have four ducks, and I don’t think there is a feed store or anything in Perth where I could purchase ducks locally.

My dreams are ruined.

Alas, this will never be.

 

UPDATE: It turns out I can have a duck in Perth! Expect that, they’re all diseased right now. Maybe later.

 

How to not suck at shopping

As you may or may not know, I work in retail.

Most of the time, I actually really like my job. I like that I get to deal with new assholes everyday rather than being stuck in an office with the same assholes. I like the majority of my co-workers the majority of the time. I like being able to help little old ladies find gifts for their grandchildren. I even like having aches and pains all the time, because at least I know I worked hard enough to earn them. However, there are a few things that I just need everyone to agree to stop doing, so that I can continue to like my job.

Proof of me liking my job.

Proof of me liking my job.

1. Leaving shit in places where it doesn’t belong. It may not seem like a big deal to you when you pick something up and then walk around the store with it, only to set it down far, far away from where you found it. However, do you realize how many people do that? And do you realize that I am the one that has to clean up your stupid mess? I know you do that shit at Walmart, but my store doesn’t pay our workers in spare change and child tears. We can only afford to have like 4 people at any given time to keep up with your mess. Your bad manners prevent me from doing the actually important parts of my job.

2. On a related note, I need people to stop thinking they can just open packaging whenever they want. Boxes have seals on them for a reason. I can’t sell most things after you break it. Plus, pretty much anything you could need to see in order to make a purchase is already on display. There is no reason to open up a package of paper to see if you want to buy it. It is paper. I know you are familiar with it. Pick the color you want and for the love of god, move on.

3. Acting like I am in some kind of conspiracy to make your life as horrible as possible. If I suggest that you buy something, it is because I think you need it, not because I just want you to buy more useless crap. I don’t even work on commission. Pretty much every business ever tries to provide good customer service, otherwise no one would ever go there, and they would have to close.

4. Please remember that I am a person too. Most people I encounter are either very sweet, or at the very least, civil. There are small number of people though, that are just terrible. I cannot imagine treating another human the way that some of these people treat me. The only explanation I can come up with is that they are forgetting that I am a person. In their mind, I have become the figurehead for the evil corporation they seem to think I work for. It is really uncalled for, and one customer like this can put a damper on my whole day.

Those are the big ones. There are other things that annoy me, but I didn’t include them because they are just a part of my job. I do become  irritated when someone standing in front of an ENTIRE WALL full of ink asks me where the ink is, but I figure stupid questions just come with the territory, and I know I’ve asked some dumb questions too.

If everyone could just quit doing the things I mentioned, I’m pretty sure that the rate of neck stabbings would drop considerably.