6:30 AM- Woke up early to match my nail polish to my bra.
7:00 AM- Putting on my make up before work. Cosmo says that make up makes me feminine and that men will want me because it shows I care about my appearance. I always thought that being healthy showed that I cared about myself, so I’m glad I started reading Cosmo so that I can stop making this mistake. No wonder I don’t have a husband!
7:30 AM- I am trying a new perfume today. Cosmo says the combined smell of pumpkin pie and lavender turns men on. I couldn’t find any actual body spray that was scented that way, so I just put some lavender sprigs and half a pumpkin pie into a bottle full of rubbing alcohol. I can’t wait to see my boyfriend get all worked up!
8:40AM- I’m forty minutes late for work. It doesn’t seem like the best idea to ask for time off, but Cosmo assures me that scheduling a “vacay” will boost my productivity. I’ll go talk to my boss.
9AM- My boss seemed annoyed when I tried to explain that looking forward to a vacation would make me work harder, and she’s not giving me the time off. I am bummed.
9:05AM- Cosmo suggests I watch a youtube video when I feel cranky at work. It’s supposed to put me in a better frame of mind! I’ll try that.
9:10- My boss walked into my cubicle while I was watching a video of cats falling off of things. She seems even more annoyed with me now.
10AM- I’m still upset about my boss, I can’t focus. Cosmo says I should exercise while at work, so that I feel ready to tackle the rest of the day.
10:10 AM- My boss suspended me after finding me doing squats in front of my desk!
11AM- Found a whole section in Cosmo about cheating. All of the signs point to my boyfriend cheating on me. He never wants me to read his emails, he’s started trimming his nose hair, sometimes he smells like baby powder even though we don’t have any in the house, and he seems really happy all the time! Like Cosmo says, “If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why.”