An Unholy Alliance

Today I had the thought that Cosmopolitan and Sex and the City must be in cahoots.

I can’t prove it, but they perpetuate the same kinds of ideas and ridiculous expectations. In order to point out specifics, I forced myself to watch the Sex and the City movie. 

First off, do these women ever do anything but shop, talk about sex, or have sex? This goes right along with Cosmo’s super helpful sex “tips” and shopping guides, and hints on how to trap a man.

The women in Sex and the City seem to all wear the same bright colors that Cosmo uses on its cover, and Carrie’s friends are horrified when she wants to wear a simple, non-designer wedding dress. Of course, her mind is changed instantly once she sees some crazy designer dress, and ends up going to her wedding with a bird in her hair.

Within the first five minutes of the movie, Carrie allows her boyfriend to buy her an insanely expensive apartment and then immediately tries to use that fact to make her friends jealous. None of the women ever seem to work. They mention jobs, and yet they seem to have all the time in the world for shopping, going out to eat and Mexican vacations. I don’t know about the rest of y’all, but I only work 40 hours a week, and I still don’t have time for any of those things, not to mention the cash.

One of the most ridiculous things I noticed in the movie wasn’t at all important to the plot of the movie, but Carrie wears a string of pearls, always. In bed, lounging around the house in her pajamas, just…always. I thought it might be some significant thing that I just didn’t understand because I don’t watch the show, but after doing some Googling, I still can’t find a satisfactory answer for why this woman sleeps with a pearl necklace on. I would strangle myself. I can’t even sleep with headphones in. 

Later on, one of the girls starts eating to avoid cheating. (Don’t even get me started on the thought process there.) She hasn’t seen her friends in a while, and when she shows up, she has the tiniest little bit of fat on her tummy. That is the first thing everyone notices about her, and then they proceed to discuss, at length, how she could have possibly let herself get that way. The woman is still probably thinner than I am, and I certainly don’t consider myself fat. The fact that she has let herself gain weight is what prompts her to the realization that she is unhappy with her boyfriend. I really don’t understand the logic, and it makes me wonder what the writers of this bullshit would think about me.  

The end of the movie reveals that love is all you need. The main character, that has spent the majority of the movie getting over breaking up with the man she intended to marry, sees him and without any discussion about the break up, rushes into his arms and we are led to believe they live happily ever after. This movie is about love just as much as Schindler’s List is about working in a factory. 

Media like Sex and the City and Cosmo do not allow the women who buy into such things to have normal, functional relationships. There always has to be some kind of drama, and women think that they need to trick men into liking them, trap them into marriage, and then train them to be what they want. The solution to any problem is a shopping trip, and sex is all about how many clever ways you incorporate foreign objects into the activities. 

I watched the Sex and the City movie on a channel called Cloo. It is a crime and mystery channel. This puzzled me at first, but they’re right. The fact that this movie was a success is a mystery to me as well. 

 

Getting Jiggy With It

Since it is Father’s Day, I thought I would write a little something about my Dad.

I’ve been a Daddy’s girl from day one. When I was born, I weighed 6 pounds and 4 ounces. My dad is 6 feet and 4 inches tall. The time of my birth, 3:22 in the afternoon, was my dad’s employee number at the time. My dad and I have the same initials. I’ve been told that he was one of the only people that could make me stop fussing when i was just a sickly little thing.

Some people can be intimidated by my dad, because he is so tall and very strong. But everyone that knows him knows that he is really just like a big teddy bear. 

He knows lots of things about a lot of interesting subjects. He taught me how to camp and how to fish, and to be easy going. He can be very silly, and I think I owe it to him that I do things like sing songs about brushing my teeth, or about my dogs.

He is very good at inventing characters, and my very favorite one was Nanook, my stuffed dog that helped him slay the spiders I was still am terrified of. 

He embarrassed me on purpose during my awkward adolescent years, usually by doing some John Travolta-esque disco moves and proclaiming that he was indeed, “Getting Jiggy with it.”

He is one of my very favorite people, and I hope he has a great day.

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Diary of a Girl Following Cosmo’s Advice

Monday:
6:30 AM- Woke up early to match my nail polish to my bra. 


7:00 AM- Putting on my make up before work. Cosmo says that make up makes me feminine and that men will want me because it shows I care about my appearance. I always thought that being healthy showed that I cared about myself, so I’m glad I started reading Cosmo so that I can stop making this mistake. No wonder I don’t have a husband!


7:30 AM- I am trying a new perfume today. Cosmo says the combined smell of pumpkin pie and lavender turns men on. I couldn’t find any actual body spray that was scented that way, so I just put some lavender sprigs and half a pumpkin pie into a bottle full of rubbing alcohol. I can’t wait to see my boyfriend get all worked up!


8:40AM- I’m forty minutes late for work. It doesn’t seem like the best idea to ask for time off, but Cosmo assures me that scheduling a “vacay” will boost my productivity. I’ll go talk to my boss.


9AM- My boss seemed annoyed when I tried to explain that looking forward to a vacation would make me work harder, and she’s not giving me the time off. I am bummed.


9:05AM- Cosmo suggests I watch a youtube video when I feel cranky at work. It’s supposed to put me in a better frame of mind! I’ll try that.


9:10- My boss walked into my cubicle while I was watching a video of cats falling off of things. She seems even more annoyed with me now.


10AM- I’m still upset about my boss, I can’t focus. Cosmo says I should exercise while at work, so that I feel ready to tackle the rest of the day.


10:10 AM- My boss suspended me after finding me doing squats in front of my desk!


11AM- Found a whole section in Cosmo about cheating. All of the signs point to my boyfriend cheating on me. He never wants me to read his emails, he’s started trimming his nose hair, sometimes he smells like baby powder even though we don’t have any in the house, and he seems really happy all the time! Like Cosmo says, “If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why.” 

12 AM- Finally stopped crying enough to read up on Cosmo’s body language articles to tell if he is lying or if he is hiding something. If he wraps his ankle around the leg of a chair, shrugs, touches his face underneath his nose, puts his hands in his pockets, his throat gets dry, or he wants to have sex with me, he’s hiding something! I’ll have to be on the look out for these signs. Thank God for Cosmo!

5 PM- When I asked him how his day was, he shrugged. Things are looking bleak.

5:30 PM- He’s making dinner, so I’m trying to relax and am reading a Cosmo article titled “How to Train Your Guy.” If he’s not cheating on me, this might come in handy later.

8 PM- He wants to have sex with me. ANOTHER WARNING SIGN. Since I still don’t know for sure, I will try out some of Cosmo’s sex tips.

9 PM- Life is ruined. I’m suspended from my job, and my boyfriend just dumped me! I don’t understand what happened! He must have been cheating on me. He seemed less than impressed with the marbles I scattered over the sheets, even though Cosmo assured me that he would love it. And then, when I tried to slip a frozen grape into his mouth, he spit it out! The last straw seemed to be when I tried to tie a beaded necklace around his junk. He got up out of bed and said he never wanted to see me again! 

9:10 PM- At least my nails still match my underwear.