I don’t think I’m Latina enough, guys

At the store the other day, I discovered that Cosmo now has a “Cosmo for Latinas” version of their terrible pile of glossy shit.

I bought it, because I like to get angry, and discovered that Cosmo is doing its very best to make all types of women hate themselves! I made a list of things that made me want to punch people in the taint.

1. Pretty much all the models in all of the advertisements were white. Even the ones in ads that were written in Spanish.


3. There is an article about what to do when people say you’re not “Latina Enough” for not speaking Spanish, and yet half the damn magazine is in Spanish.

4. Whenever a Spanish word is used by Cosmo, it is italicized, as if to say, “Look! We’re Latina enough! We know Spanish words! That’s what makes us a magazine for Latinas!”

5.  The same useless, sexist nonsense in normal Cosmo is here too, except with a dash of racist stereotypes thrown in. For example, the standard “be more assertive at work” article is there, but it flat out says that Latina women are often martyrs, so they just need to quit that and they will get a promotion. The phrase “mejicana pleaser syndrome” is used. Gross.

6. There was a whole section glorifying/erotisicing cheating on your partner.

7. I don’t think I read the word “woman” once. It was always “mujeres.” I mean, it’s technically the same thing, it just seemed like they were trying too hard to relate to actual Latina women.

8. They abbreviate as CFL, which also what Chick-fil-a abbreviates to.

It wasn’t all bad though.

I found my new life motto.

“The world is your taco.”

You can’t solve mental health issues with fruit, I promise.

I was going to write a whole well thought out post about this, but thinking about it made me froth with rage, so I will just post the conversation Peter and I had after I read a comment someone made about exercise being a better treatment for depression than medication is.

[6/21/2013 1:26:26 AM] Peter: hmmm that’s not really helpful. When you’re all depressed and shit the last thing you want to do is get up and run 4 miles
[6/21/2013 1:26:59 AM] Emily: Even if you did, the rush of hormones you get from exercise is not even nearly consistent enough to battle a major depression. It might help for a bit, and it’s awesome to add on top of medication or counseling or both, but just going out and getting your jog on is not going to fix your shit
[6/21/2013 1:31:22 AM] Peter: Yeah. Though I fucking hated that medicine
[6/21/2013 1:31:50 AM] Emily: I think if you needed to stay on it, trying a different brand would have been helpful. There’s tons of different medications, and they all react to bodies differently. OR ongoing counseling could have been a good option. I just really don’t think “exercise is a better medicine than medicine” is a sentence that anyone should ever be stupid enough to think. The next person that tells me their miracle treatment for a mental disorder is going to get punched in the head so hard, they explode.The other day, I saw something about “Cure your anxiety with watermelon!” WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT? All these years I have been bursting into tears at the thought of spending time with people, I could have just been fucking eating watermelon.


Maybe sometime I will be rational enough to talk about this in a more coherent way, but for right now, that sums up my feelings nicely.


Don’t you feel less anxious already?

I mean, at least I wasn’t kidnapped…

I was going to write a post today about my vacation, and I’ll get to that eventually, but then I stumbled across something on the internet that mentioned Boolean operators, and it triggered a memory that I decided I wanted to write about. It’s all a little fuzzy, because it was so long ago, but I remember all the alarming parts.

When I was about 12 or 13, my friend Alex and I were going for a walk in her neighborhood. She lived in a kind of sketchy part of town, and it wasn’t out of place to see chickens and goats in people’s yards in that area. Alex is a HUGE animal lover, and so we saw a dog hanging out by the fence, and she went over to pet it. The dog was ginormous but very friendly, and we spent a good amount of time palling around with it.

Out of nowhere, this wild-eyed mountain man comes crashing out of his house to check on his dog, since he could hear us talking to her. We apologized and he was kind about it, and we were going to be on our merry way, when he decided to tell us his life story.


Like this, but beardier.

He told us all about how he was a product of incest, so he had a dad-uncle and a mom-aunt, and that he was deaf in one ear because his dad used to make him shoot guns without any kind of earplugs and he also seemed to think his father was a moonshine smuggler. Alex was being very polite at this point, but I couldn’t do anything but stare in wide eyed horror.

Then, the Boolean algebra came in. You see, it turns out, this man thought he invented it. I think he tried to explain it to me, but I was a baby and I’ve always been bad at math, and it is possible that he was explaining the mathematical equivalent of Calvinball to me anyway. He then claimed that there was a supercomputer that he should be getting credit for, but somebody stole his idea, which is how he came to live in a run down house in New Mexico, with a giant dog, and nothing to do but chat up preteen girls.

There are many many lessons in that story, but I think the main one is probably don’t have sex with your siblings, but if you do, maybe you’ll accidentally invent computers.


This sums the whole thing up, really.

Peter crushes my dreams again

[4/4/2013 11:13:01 PM] Emily: Do you think I could maybe be like Harry Potter?
[4/4/2013 11:13:06 PM] Emily: Maybe that’s why I get migraines
[4/4/2013 11:19:07 PM] Peter: Do I think an evil wizard tried to kill you and now you get migraines when he’s angry?
[4/4/2013 11:19:27 PM] Peter: Umm, I can’t say that would be my first explanation


In other news, I am going on vacation! So maybe I will actually have something to post about when I get back. 

If you want to know how I really feel…

It makes me feel like a pretentious douche-rocket, but when people who have a headache say, “I have such a terrible migraine!” I want to hit them over the head with the nearest heavy object.

Headaches suck, I totally sympathize, but saying you have a migraine when you have a headache is equivalent to saying you’re a paraplegic when you get a paper cut.

For me, a migraine feels like my head is being squeezed in a vice as part of a strongman competition while a team of small leprechauns play whack-mole-on my temples. Then, I discover a disagreeable badger has made my stomach his home, and he thrashes about wildly anytime I even think about food, even water. Also, someone has misplaced their pet hippo on my shoulders, based on the ache-y tight feeling there, and of course, I can’t see any of this, because it seems I am looking at the world through a piece of Swiss cheese.

Something like this...

Something like this…

To top it all off, this happens every time it gets windy.

So, I am very sorry, but until your headache makes you vomit and GO BLIND, it is not a migraine.

I’m not sure why it seems to be cool these days to exaggerate illness, but let’s just all calm down with that shit. If you’re coughing and have a running nose, you do not have the flu. You have the flu if it feels like someone attacked you with a block of ice while you were sleeping, and then left that block of ice in bed with you, and now you are freezing, except for some reason your head just also burst into flames and you aren’t sure whether to try and warm up or cool down, and the idea of moving at all makes you wish the ice attacker had just finished you off after all.

Now, go take a painkiller and have bit of a nap for that headache. I hope you feel better.

Thanks again J.K. Rowling!

I wasn’t going to change my profile on picture to support marriage equality, because I’m not really sure how that would effect any legislation. HOWEVER, I got sick of seeing people that are my age posting hateful things about gay marriage, so I changed it to this:

I just cannot believe that we are still having to have this conversation, along with so many others.

I am more than happy for people to believe that God doesn’t support marriage equality. That is their right. However, that same right applies to everyone,  and religious convictions have very little to do with laws.

Maybe I am going to hell for thinking that, but that’s really my problem, isn’t it?