I mean, at least I wasn’t kidnapped…

I was going to write a post today about my vacation, and I’ll get to that eventually, but then I stumbled across something on the internet that mentioned Boolean operators, and it triggered a memory that I decided I wanted to write about. It’s all a little fuzzy, because it was so long ago, but I remember all the alarming parts.

When I was about 12 or 13, my friend Alex and I were going for a walk in her neighborhood. She lived in a kind of sketchy part of town, and it wasn’t out of place to see chickens and goats in people’s yards in that area. Alex is a HUGE animal lover, and so we saw a dog hanging out by the fence, and she went over to pet it. The dog was ginormous but very friendly, and we spent a good amount of time palling around with it.

Out of nowhere, this wild-eyed mountain man comes crashing out of his house to check on his dog, since he could hear us talking to her. We apologized and he was kind about it, and we were going to be on our merry way, when he decided to tell us his life story.

Like this, but beardier.

He told us all about how he was a product of incest, so he had a dad-uncle and a mom-aunt, and that he was deaf in one ear because his dad used to make him shoot guns without any kind of earplugs and he also seemed to think his father was a moonshine smuggler. Alex was being very polite at this point, but I couldn’t do anything but stare in wide eyed horror.

Then, the Boolean algebra came in. You see, it turns out, this man thought he invented it. I think he tried to explain it to me, but I was a baby and I’ve always been bad at math, and it is possible that he was explaining the mathematical equivalent of Calvinball to me anyway. He then claimed that there was a supercomputer that he should be getting credit for, but somebody stole his idea, which is how he came to live in a run down house in New Mexico, with a giant dog, and nothing to do but chat up preteen girls.

There are many many lessons in that story, but I think the main one is probably don’t have sex with your siblings, but if you do, maybe you’ll accidentally invent computers.

This sums the whole thing up, really.

Peter crushes my dreams again

[4/4/2013 11:13:01 PM] Emily: Do you think I could maybe be like Harry Potter?
[4/4/2013 11:13:06 PM] Emily: Maybe that’s why I get migraines
[4/4/2013 11:19:07 PM] Peter: Do I think an evil wizard tried to kill you and now you get migraines when he’s angry?
[4/4/2013 11:19:27 PM] Peter: Umm, I can’t say that would be my first explanation

 

In other news, I am going on vacation! So maybe I will actually have something to post about when I get back. 

This is where I shamelessly self-promote

Hi darlings! I have entered a pin-up contest, and I would be just tickled if you would vote for me! All you have to do is click on this link, and hit the “like” button. Many thanks y’all!

If you want to know how I really feel…

It makes me feel like a pretentious douche-rocket, but when people who have a headache say, “I have such a terrible migraine!” I want to hit them over the head with the nearest heavy object.

Headaches suck, I totally sympathize, but saying you have a migraine when you have a headache is equivalent to saying you’re a paraplegic when you get a paper cut.

For me, a migraine feels like my head is being squeezed in a vice as part of a strongman competition while a team of small leprechauns play whack-mole-on my temples. Then, I discover a disagreeable badger has made my stomach his home, and he thrashes about wildly anytime I even think about food, even water. Also, someone has misplaced their pet hippo on my shoulders, based on the ache-y tight feeling there, and of course, I can’t see any of this, because it seems I am looking at the world through a piece of Swiss cheese.

Something like this…

To top it all off, this happens every time it gets windy.

So, I am very sorry, but until your headache makes you vomit and GO BLIND, it is not a migraine.

I’m not sure why it seems to be cool these days to exaggerate illness, but let’s just all calm down with that shit. If you’re coughing and have a running nose, you do not have the flu. You have the flu if it feels like someone attacked you with a block of ice while you were sleeping, and then left that block of ice in bed with you, and now you are freezing, except for some reason your head just also burst into flames and you aren’t sure whether to try and warm up or cool down, and the idea of moving at all makes you wish the ice attacker had just finished you off after all.

Now, go take a painkiller and have bit of a nap for that headache. I hope you feel better.

Thanks again J.K. Rowling!

I wasn’t going to change my profile on picture to support marriage equality, because I’m not really sure how that would effect any legislation. HOWEVER, I got sick of seeing people that are my age posting hateful things about gay marriage, so I changed it to this:

I just cannot believe that we are still having to have this conversation, along with so many others.

I am more than happy for people to believe that God doesn’t support marriage equality. That is their right. However, that same right applies to everyone,  and religious convictions have very little to do with laws.

Maybe I am going to hell for thinking that, but that’s really my problem, isn’t it?

This is the worst day ever

For almost my whole life, one of my greatest ambitions has been to own a duck. For years now, I have been keeping an eye on efowl.com, hoping that they would lower their order minimum from two ducks down to one duck.

I logged in today to find out some heartbreaking news.  It turns out that the duck minimum is now four.

It’s probably for the best, since I’ll be moving away soon, but really FOUR ducks? Even on plain ol’ assorted ducks? I can never afford to have four ducks, and I don’t think there is a feed store or anything in Perth where I could purchase ducks locally.

My dreams are ruined.

Alas, this will never be.

 

UPDATE: It turns out I can have a duck in Perth! Expect that, they’re all diseased right now. Maybe later.

 

Just so that I am understood

After rage quitting the internet countless times this week after reading things about Steubenville and rape culture and etc, my response was to make a Zazzle shop.

I made these two things, and I feel like I should wear them ALWAYS after everything I have read this week.

 

 

 

You could all wear them too. As a friend of mine said, it will save you from having to yell “NO” at every person you pass in the street.